What TV Has Taught Me About The World

American Sitcoms
  1. All Americans are young, good-looking and are able to afford spacious and well furnished apartments without any apparent form of employment; since they spend all day exchanging witty banter in coffee shops and/or bars.
  2. Where they do have a job; it is more like a hobby. A bartender can casually stroll from behind the bar, stop serving customers, and instead engage his/her friends in a conversation for half an hour.
  3. No social circle is complete without one of the following. Trendily dressed gay guy who has more guy drama than an episode of WWE Wrestling, or the sassy professional black guy/girl who occasional lapses back into ghetto mode, or the incredibly good looking Latino/Latina who inserts random Spanish sentences into conversations when they get emotional ( which happens a lot.).
  4. In a group of friends it is perfectly acceptable to date each other, often one after the other. And then marry one another after.
  5. No family drama, no matter how deeply traumatic, cannot be resolved in a half hour.

American Crime Dramas.

  1. Contrary to what the scientific community thinks; 3d holograms have already been invented.
  2. Crime scene investigators are not scientists who work long hours in labs doing mundane tests; they are cool and hip gun totting scientists who solve all crimes, always.
  3. American criminals cannot resist the urge to confess their whole scheme to the cops in the end. And they never, ever exercise their right to remain silent.
  4. The police can go on crazy high speed chases and never kill or injure innocent pedestrians (who are all seemingly Olympic gold medalist high jumpers, given the way they leap out of the way of the cars driving on the pavement.)
  5. Police in America suffer from sensitivity to light; so they all need to wear sunglasses.

Action Movies.

  1. An action hero has an invisible aura that surrounds their body; which cause bullets to swerve round his/her body even when fired by 50 trained bad guys from approximately 10 feet away.
  2. Action heroes have a seemingly endless supply of bullets.
  3. Any super computer can be easily re-programmed using an ordinary laptop and any information needed by the hero can be obtained from a quick Internet search.
  4. All bombs come with large display timers and cannot be defused unless there is 1-5 seconds only left on the clock.
  5. Arabs, Russians and Chinese are all terrorists; only Latinos are involved in the International drug trade and Special Forces can kill every member of a 50,000 strong third world army and still have time to exchange witty banter.

Chinese Movies

  1. Once upon a time the Chinese could fly great distances through the air, walk on water and generally defy the laws of physics…so long as they were fighting.
  2. Chinese villains surround a hero and then negate the very essence of doing this by attacking him one by one; in a very orderly fashion.
  3. All daughters of evil Lords eventually betray their father after falling in love with the hero; whom they have known for exactly 5 minutes.
  4. All you need to take on an army of villains armed with swords, bows and arrows, and even chariots…is a mop.
  5. Avenging the death of murdered Masters is the number one activity for Chinese males aged 15-35.

Mexican Soap Operas

  1. Due to the reduced gravity in Mexico, people are more prone to falling down flights of stairs and these falls will always result in memory loss.
  2. Also, due to the high levels of Helium in the air…most Mexicans speak in high, squeaky voices.
  3. Every priest in Mexico had a child before joining the Priesthood.
  4. Approximately 82% of all children in Mexico are being raised by a man who is not in fact their true biological father.
  5. Despite it not being the 1800s, almost everyone in Mexico wears stetson hats.

Kenyan Comedies and Dramas

  1. That everyone who lives in a slum or a rural village speaks perfect English…and with an Oxford accent as well.
  2. That when Kenyans are discussing any issues they like to take long dramatic pauses after each and every sentence.
  3. Size 8 is the most prolific petty criminal in human history.
  4. No matter how dirty the job you are doing is, your clothes always remain sparkling clean.
  5. The richer and more educated the woman is; the stronger her American accent.

Nigerian Movies

  1. Any woman who drinks alcohol and/or smokes is evil, immoral and will meet a horribly painful death.
  2. The Nigerian Government should not waste its time with a police force…Juju Men can solve any crime, track any missing person and apparently…teleport themselves right into the midst of groups of people.
  3. As religious as Nigerians are; going to heaven is not their number one dream. That honour is reserved for the United States of America.
  4. Nigerian Men are genetically designed to be attracted to helpless orphan girls.
  5. No matter how well educated one is, no matter how long one has stayed in America…Nigerians cannot speak more than two English sentences without making a major grammatical faus pas.

Kenyan TV Ads

  1. Rather than skinning you alive for trying to skip school by ruining all your school shirts with ink, a modern Kenyan mum will just laugh it off. After all, Dirt is Good.
  2. Insecticides don’t just need to kill insects. They need to kill them…dead. (As opposed to what…killing them unconscious?)
  3. Is Jimmi Gathu there all along? You know….when the ‘mpango wa kando’ stuff is going on? If not; how does he know when to appear?
  4. PK is not chewing gum. It’s a mild hallucinogenic.
  5. All skin fairness creams magically clear up all your skin blemishes and land you not just your dream job but also your dream man within 30 minutes of use.

 

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