1. THE CHIPS RIGHTS ACT
We have all seen them, pitied them. Young and not-so-youngish girls standing at the bus stop at 7 am on a freezing Saturday or Sunday morning. Dressed in evening wear they are shivering while staring at the ground intently, avoiding eye contact and trying desperately not act like chips-fungwas who have been discarded.
The Chips Rights Act will require all Chips to be either given a taxi back to their residence or at least an escort to town. And all Chips will be guaranteed breakfast , a shower and the dignity of leaving the guy’s crib during the afternoon.
2. THE FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION ACT.
Every Kenyan citizen shall be given 12 green tokens at the start of every year. Should they feel the need to say something true but potentially offensive they simply present the truth token to that person; who is then legally barred from being offended.
For example, you are in the lift, standing behind a woman with a hideous weave. You simply present her with your truth token and tell her ” madam, that weave looks like a small woodland animal died on your head.”
Or at work you can present your boss with a truth token and say ” please stop shagging tea girls in the office kitchen. The staff have stopped drinking tea because we are concerned about what may be getting into the brew.”
Truth tokens would also be trade-able and would therefore spur economic growth.
3. THE KENYA MEDIA STANDARDS ACT.
This Act, and the Regulations promulgated thereunder, would require certain standards to be observed by all journalists in Kenya.
Firstly, all journalists would be obligated to speak in normal accents. The CCK would fine any journalist who speaks or rights in a strange, wengish or incomprehensible manner, at a rate of 100 bob per word, deducted directly from their payslip. Robert Narr-gee-laarr & Jeff Koy-naar-ngii would inevitably go home with negative salaries for a few months but would soon be forced by necessity to speak like normal human beings.
The Act would also make speech therapy for Journalists tax deductible.
Further the Act would require all journalists to pass yearly general knowledge tests in order to continue practice.
4. THE PUBLIC DISCLOSURE ACT.
All Kenyans above 18 will be required to register with a public bureau which would rate their date worthiness as well as hold pertinent data on them. Therefore during a date one can quickly send a text to the bureau and within minutes the complete analysis of the person comes to you via SMS.
The menaces of psycho chicks, dead beat guys who scrounge off women, overly clingy partners and people who are terriiiibbblllleeee in bed would be eliminated from the dating scene in one fell swoop.
5. THE SAFARICOM (SERVICE QUALITY) ACT.
The Board and senior management of Safaricom ( the Act would also force the organization to have a truthful trading name) would have electric devices attached to certain sensitive body parts. Whenever a certain Safaricom service fails, a non-lethal dose of electric current would be discharged from the said device.
6) THE TRAFFIC POLICEWOMAN ACT
The Kenya Police would no longer be allowed to litter Kenya’s roads with ugly, pot-bellied traffic policewomen. 30% of all graduands of Kiganjo would be required to be air hostess-ish young ladies.
The schedule to the Act would specify appropriate uniform changes to enhance…ahem…the prominence of the officers.
An amendment following a challenge in the Constitutional Court as to the discriminatory nature of the law was passed that prescribed that all male traffic officers must have bodies like Tyson Beckford.
7. THE ANTI-FOREIGN MONOPOLIES OF AIRWAVES ACT.
This statute will require co-ordination between TV stations such that at any time when a Mexican, Filipino or Nigerian program is being shown at least one station is showing a football or rugby match, or an appropriate male-oriented Hollywood blockbuster.
8. THE KENYA NATIONAL COMMISSION ON WEAVES AND WIGS.
This statutory body will have broad powers to require appropriate hairstyles for all Kenyan women. No longer will a kiwi black skinned lady be allowed to don a blonde coloured weave. Stiff penalties will be introduced to punish hairdressers who allow such monstrosities to occur.
The mandate of the Commission will soon be expanded so that it controls age appropriateness in dressing. 40 year old men and women will no longer be allowed to dress like a 20 year old particularly where they didn’t have that body type even when they were 20.
9. THE CHIPOS RIGHTS (AMENDMENT) ACT.
Well meaning legislation had earlier been introduced that extended the scope of rights enjoyed by chips-fungwas. However the Act was abused and many Chipos began to Act like girlfriends, leading to public outcry.
The amending Act introduces an exemption clause whereby if one clearly states that the girl is a Chipo the Rights Act shall not apply.
However one must make that declaration within 1 minute of meeting the girl; and all declarations must be made while bent on one knee.
10. THE R.A.O. ACT
The Rounds and Alcoholic Orders Act introduces a code of conduct for drinking in Kenya.
First, it prohibits ducking your turn to buy drinks by faking or indeed receiving a phone call or any other reason that makes you leave the table. It also prohibits ordering cheap drinks on your round but expensive ones on other peoples turns.
Secondly, it requires the bar operators price their drinks such that issues with change are avoided. Further, if a waiter does not bring you your change with you drink you are entitled to a free drink of equal value. If your order takes more than three minutes the establishment owes you a free drink of your choice.
Additionally, ladies would be required to participate equally in the round system and where a gentleman specifies that he is paying for a particular lady’s drinks she is stopped from bringing her friends unless separate payment arrangements have been made.
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