A Translation of Commonly Used Terms and Phrases



“I’m sorry, it’s just who I am.” = “I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human being.
” Its not you, its me.” = ” I am trying to be polite here, but we both know I am too hot to be dating someone like you.”
” I think we should see other people.” = ” I have been cheating on you for ages but the covering-up is becoming too tiring; so let me just be open about it.”
” We both agreed to break up.” = ” We both agreed that I am not good enough to be going out with him/her.”
” I love you, but I am not in love with you.” = ” You bring many many tangible benefits in my life; but I have no feelings for you whatsoever.”


” We will consider your request for a salary increase after completing your performance review.” = ” We are not going to increase your salary ever; but lets put off formally telling you this for six more months.”
” The company values you immensely.” = ” The company cannot find anyone else willing to do your job for the peanuts we pay you.”
” The position will be filled competitively.” = ” The position has already been filled but you can just apply for practice purposes.”
” The CEO’s pay package is incentive-based and at par with comparable Corporate Heads in competitor companies.” = ” The CEO is paid more than the rest of the company combined; and you guys better just accept it because every company in the country is doing it. Because CEO’s set their own salaries.”
” The Company is experience a temporary liquidity crunch.’ = ” The Company is utterly broke and we filed for bankruptcy an hour ago. Grab as much office stationery as possible coz that is all you are going to get.”


” I am stepping aside to facilitate investigations.” = ” I am going to earn my full salary, but not show up for work. So essentially, I am getting a three month paid leave of absence.”
” That is propaganda from my political opponents.” = ” This is all true but i am going to blame some unnamed phantom enemies; to deflect blame from myself.”
” They are just enemies of development who want to tarnish my good name.” = ” These guys have refused to take bribes to shut up; and now I am getting scared.”
” We will launch our manifesto shortly.” = ” We are still discussing which tribal chieftains we will be adding to our party.”
” We are building a party with nationalist credentials that will be vibrant across the whole country.” = ” We have forged an alliance of three or four large tribes; and the rest of you guys no longer matter. Mathematically. ”


” International Community” = ” The ‘West’ ”
” Broad-based sanctions regime” = ‘ We will freeze the accounts of a few underlings and ban some luxury items; but not do anything too severe because we don’t want to piss them off too much.”
” Rogue State” = ” They used to be our friends but now they think that they are sovereign or some such nonsense.”
” Collateral Damage” = ” We made an oopsy and some women and kids got killed. Ahh well; you win some you lose some.”
” Democratic Revolution”= ” We hate the guys currently in power so we are backing the guys who want to replace them.”
” Insurgency” = ” We love the guys in power so we are going to demonize the guys who want to replace them.”

Yours Truly,

Bahati Mwamuye

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