A Translation of Commonly Used Terms and Phrases

 

RELATIONSHIPS

“I’m sorry, it’s just who I am.” = “I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human being.
” Its not you, its me.” = ” I am trying to be polite here, but we both know I am too hot to be dating someone like you.”
” I think we should see other people.” = ” I have been cheating on you for ages but the covering-up is becoming too tiring; so let me just be open about it.”
” We both agreed to break up.” = ” We both agreed that I am not good enough to be going out with him/her.”
” I love you, but I am not in love with you.” = ” You bring many many tangible benefits in my life; but I have no feelings for you whatsoever.”

EMPLOYMENT

” We will consider your request for a salary increase after completing your performance review.” = ” We are not going to increase your salary ever; but lets put off formally telling you this for six more months.”
” The company values you immensely.” = ” The company cannot find anyone else willing to do your job for the peanuts we pay you.”
” The position will be filled competitively.” = ” The position has already been filled but you can just apply for practice purposes.”
” The CEO’s pay package is incentive-based and at par with comparable Corporate Heads in competitor companies.” = ” The CEO is paid more than the rest of the company combined; and you guys better just accept it because every company in the country is doing it. Because CEO’s set their own salaries.”
” The Company is experience a temporary liquidity crunch.’ = ” The Company is utterly broke and we filed for bankruptcy an hour ago. Grab as much office stationery as possible coz that is all you are going to get.”

KENYAN POLITICS

” I am stepping aside to facilitate investigations.” = ” I am going to earn my full salary, but not show up for work. So essentially, I am getting a three month paid leave of absence.”
” That is propaganda from my political opponents.” = ” This is all true but i am going to blame some unnamed phantom enemies; to deflect blame from myself.”
” They are just enemies of development who want to tarnish my good name.” = ” These guys have refused to take bribes to shut up; and now I am getting scared.”
” We will launch our manifesto shortly.” = ” We are still discussing which tribal chieftains we will be adding to our party.”
” We are building a party with nationalist credentials that will be vibrant across the whole country.” = ” We have forged an alliance of three or four large tribes; and the rest of you guys no longer matter. Mathematically. ”

INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

” International Community” = ” The ‘West’ ”
” Broad-based sanctions regime” = ‘ We will freeze the accounts of a few underlings and ban some luxury items; but not do anything too severe because we don’t want to piss them off too much.”
” Rogue State” = ” They used to be our friends but now they think that they are sovereign or some such nonsense.”
” Collateral Damage” = ” We made an oopsy and some women and kids got killed. Ahh well; you win some you lose some.”
” Democratic Revolution”= ” We hate the guys currently in power so we are backing the guys who want to replace them.”
” Insurgency” = ” We love the guys in power so we are going to demonize the guys who want to replace them.”

Yours Truly,

Bahati Mwamuye

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